Becoming Your Own Hero

These last couple of weeks have been illuminating for me and I've debated sharing it, but, that's what we're about here in blog land so, without spilling all of it and at the risk of sounding self-absorbed, here goes:

I've been going through some somewhat serious "shtuff" lately and, in struggling to deal with that (no worries, by the way, its all good and all handleable and not life threatening or anything, just kind of . . . traumatic), I suddenly understand the "why" behind this training. In the last few years of my life, I have slowly been learning to trust in God, or Spirit or The Universe, or whatever you want to call the Mystery that churns through our lives and seems to alternately care for us and smash us against the rocks, depending on our point of view. I've found that when I let go and just follow that small voice, things tend to turn out better - or at least the way they are supposed to turn out. Sometimes that doesn't seem like "better" but, often, when I look back on things with perspective, I can at least see the lesson if not the reason. Last winter, when that small voice lead me to triathlon, I really didn't know the reason why - as I've said before, I was compelled and so I leapt. And, I learned to begin to look for my own strength, reminded by others to do so. Every day, I find a little more of it.

Anyway, last week, during a particularly difficult moment, I realized that this was why Spirit pushed me to train. Through all of this - what has passed and what is still to come - I have this underlying belief that I can handle it, that I will persevere, because I have proven myself on the training grounds. I have climbed the hills I didn't think I could climb, I have pushed myself past so many of the barriers I held in my mind on the run, I have put my face in the water again and again and again, even when that fearful voice in the back of my head screamed "Stay near the AIR!!!" These things are physical and tangible and, for me at least, they are proof. Proof that I am strong, proof that I can rescue myself. I can be my own hero.

When I was younger and hurting and didn't know how to make it stop, I looked for a hero - for someone, anyone to "save" me. It took two bad marriages and countless horrific mistakes for me to figure out that the "hero" wasn't coming. At first, that realization felt bleak but, eventually, I learned to care for my own needs, to be happy inside of my own head. Ironically, once I had this down, I met my husband. And I started to believe in heroes again. The thing about pain, though, it comes back until you've learned what it needs to teach you (and then you move on to the next lesson). And some things, even the most wonderful friends and lovers can't save you from. That's when you have to save yourself. You have to be your own hero.

I used to pretend to be tough - to the point of being cruel at times. I thought that this made me invulnerable, that cruelty equaled toughness. Its only now that I'm beginning to understand what it truly means to be "tough", both physically and mentally, and it has nothing to do with putting someone else down but with lifting yourself up - above your expectations, above your limitations, above the ill wishes of others and the random events of the world. I'm not there yet - and I suspect I never will truly arrive as "toughness" is a quality that can always be improved upon. But I've figured it out enough to know that I will get through this. I will come out on the other side knowing that I am saved - and that I was the one that saved me.