Paving the Way

I had an epiphany this morning while I was lacing up my shoes.  Funny how that happens sometimes - the epiphany and the run are so intertwined.

Anyway, what I realized is that all this time I've been beating myself up for failing, all of this time that I've been berating myself for not making a "comeback" - I've been paving the way for this time and this place.  I'm so afraid to claim a 'comeback', so afraid that I'll fail again.  But I can't fail.  Because everything I do is paving another mile of the road to where I want to be.  Everything.

Even if I blow off a run and sit on the couch - a piece of pavement is laid as I realize that I would've felt so much better if I'd put on my shoes (or gotten on the bike, or jumped into the water.)

Even when I "fail" I learn what doesn't work.  Even if I don't make it to Lake St. Louis this time, or even if I race it and suck.  I paved a little bit farther.  There is no fail.  There is only forward.

Pretty bold, I guess.  But Phoenix is bold.  That's why I like her.

Still Moving ...

I'll be really honest.  The thing that's kept me away from here for the last bazillion years had nothing to do with a new baby (now 6!!  How did that happen?), nothing to do with seminary (graduated and a full time pastor!! How did THAT happen?), nothing to do with being busy or a hundred thousand other excuses and everything to do with being bitterly disappointed.

I was so sure that I would rock my comeback.  That I would drop the baby weight and get into racing again ASAP.  And I've MISSED it.  Like you miss an old lover when you're lonely.  MISSED it crazy.  And I just haven't made it back yet.  I did a sprint a couple of years ago.  It sucked.  Or, rather, my racing sucked the race was great. But I was overweight and undertrained and all around bummed out.  I've done a couple of half-maris and those were kind of cool.  But not the same. You can't go back.

But, you can (I can) go forward.  I'm still training.  Not like I used to but I'm hitting pavement and trainer.  Water is next.  I'm moving forward.  Eating better.  Kicking myself around less.

Phoenix is still here.  Still moving.  Forward.

May it be so ...